


Reddit VS. Lonelyeyes (and other bad decisions)

by tickingclockheart



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Social Media, reddit, some people are dead but they come back because I say so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25217092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tickingclockheart/pseuds/tickingclockheart
Summary: The Magnus Archives, except nobody dies (mostly?), and they all have reddit. It goes about as well as you can expect.-r/legaladvicePosted by u/ebouchard 2 months agoMy husband has embarrassed me at the annual institute holiday party for the last time. I want another divorce.My husband, soon to be ex-husband if all goes as planned, was leering at an archival assistant the other day. He also had a bit too much to drink, and started talking about various…personal activities that I would’ve preferred be undisclosed. Now, I’ve divorced him before, but this time he seems fit to antagonize me and not sign the papers. Not just that, but he’s also disappeared, which isn’t uncommon but is still frustrating when I’m trying to divorce him. He always gets in a hissy fit when I divorce him, but this time he’s just being petty.[expand]tl;dr: my husband ran away in an attempt to be petty and now I can’t divorce him. What do I do?Edit: Please stop making remarks on the healthiness of our relationship. It’s none of your business, and we are perfectly fine.Edit: We got divorced again since I made the first post.Edit: We are now remarried again.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Gerard Keay/Michael Shelley, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 70
Kudos: 624





	1. Peter and Elias Hate Each other (ft. reddit)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm only up to MAG #137 as of writing the first chapter so please don't spoil me! Also, there will be spoilers but nothing you haven't heard before if you've decided to read TMA fanfic. 
> 
> This was inspired by [this fic right here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754480/chapters/59850304#workskin) and [this tumblr post](https://quadrilioquy.tumblr.com/post/617397354200547328/rrelationshipadvice-posted-by-uplukas97-3)

r/legaladvice

Posted by u/ebouchard 2 months ago

**My husband has embarrassed me at the annual institute holiday party for the last time. I want another divorce.**

My husband, soon to be ex-husband if all goes as planned, was _leering_ at an archival assistant the other day. He also had a bit too much to drink, and started talking about various…personal activities that I would’ve preferred be undisclosed. Now, I’ve divorced him before, but this time he seems fit to antagonize me and not sign the papers. Not just that, but he’s also disappeared, which isn’t uncommon but is still frustrating when I’m trying to divorce him. He always gets in a hissy fit when I divorce him, but this time he’s just being petty.

Is there a way to divorce him without needing to track him down in order to have him sign the papers? He’s the captain of a ship and when he gets…petulant, he often sails for a few months before returning to his moorhouse. During these times, it’s notoriously hard to contact him, much less find him.

tl;dr: my husband ran away in an attempt to be petty and now I can’t divorce him. What do I do?

Edit: Please stop making remarks on the healthiness of our relationship. It’s none of your business, and we are perfectly fine.

Edit: We got divorced again since I made the first post.

Edit: We are now remarried again.

crawbed008 3.1k points · 2 weeks ago

| He always gets in a hissy fit when I divorce him, but this time he’s just being petty.

wait, what do you mean by “always”??

**ebouchard** 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

whenever I try to divorce him, he acts petulant.

sisenore_k 675 points · 2 weeks ago

do you divorce him often lmao???

**ebouchard** 1.2k points · 2 weeks ago

yes.

[expand]

getsome_69 352 points · 1 week ago

op how many times have you two gotten divorced so far

**ebouchard** 2.1k points · 2 weeks ago

six, though there were a few we didn’t go through on legally.

kokobura2 126 points · 2 weeks ago

SIX??? good god op why do you even keep remarrying

**ebouchard** 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

money.

stonks 782 points · 2 weeks ago

i know op in rl and the real reason is that they’re the 

only people willing to put up with each other

[expand]

r/relationship_advice

Posted by u/bigboyman 1 month ago

**I (48M) feel like my husband is very clingy and I’m a person who needs solitude to survive. What should I do?**

My husband is always talking to me. I just want to be left alone, but he just keeps on scheming. He’s always ranting about hiding tapes and the watcher’s crown and it is getting tedious having to listen to his, well, words in general.

How should I ask for more space?

poorandtiredbutyolo 2.2k points · 2 weeks ago

I have a clingy partner too, and what I do is set clear boundaries. I also make sure to set time towards my partner outside of those times when I’m alone, like having dinner every night and having movie/games night once a week.

**bigboyman** 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

I interact with him far less already then I would if I did that.

asunachan3 203 points · 2 weeks ago

how much do you talk to him? 

**bigboyman** 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

at least once every four months

asunachan3 203 points · 2 weeks ago

and you’re MARRIED?!???

 **bigboyman** 1.2k points · 2 weeks ago

I know, it’s a lot. You see why I can’t stand him being so clingy?

[expand]

**tania9** 421 points · 2 weeks ago

from reading the replies, I can only assume you hate your husband.

 **bigboyman** 1k points · 2 weeks ago

despise, actually.

[expand]

Pastasauceandspagett 608 points · 1 month ago

I don’t know how OP could possibly salvage this relationship if they hate each other and only talk every three weeks.

 **bigboyman** 4.2k points · 1 week ago

The wedding is in four days.

Allicecarter2002 4.2k points · 1 week ago

I thought you were already married??

 **bigboyman** 4.2k points · 1 week ago

oh, we got divorced about a week after I made the post and then he proposed again a week after that.

[expand]

r/pettyrevenge

Posted by u/notjonnydville 3 weeks ago

**I had my archival assistants spit in his tea.**

My boss is a huge bastard. He is just, awful. He always looks like you’re amusing him but in that kind of way where he’s looking like you like a meal. He is just a horrible human being. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he killed someone. That’s the kind of person he is.

Anyway, I usually try to keep a professional relationship with my assistants but a few nights ago they invited me to go out for drinks with them and my friend blackmailed me into it. We got hammered. It was a truly…special experience. Ever since then, I’ve been on better terms with them. We even have a groupchat.

The situation goes like this: he’s been ranting to me for the last hour about things I ALREADY KNOW in that pompous, annoying voice of his. Anyway, I texted one of my assistants, I’ll call him M, and M comes in mid rant. I very sternly ask “why haven’t you made [our boss’s name, I’ll refer to him as E] tea yet?”

I kind of put him on the spot and he just stayed there with his jaw dropped. I told him to go make E a cup of tea, so he scurries out.

I wait about 30 seconds and then discretely text the groupchat: “spit in his tea M.”

Anyway, they go absolutely *ballistic* and T, another one of my assistants, sprints halfway across the building (I hear he even knocked into our secretary), just to spit in E’s tea too. My last assistant is a bit wearier but she does it too.

M comes back with the tea and hands it to E before quickly leaving. A few minutes pass and E still hasn’t touched his tea.

So I remind him that M makes very good tea and he’d be disappointed if E didn’t drink it.

There is a quiet battle of wills.

Now, I don’t know how to put this without sounding insane, but our boss…he just *knows* things. He’s psychic, or something like that. There is absolutely NO way he didn’t know the tea was messed with. He knows, he knows I know, and we silently stare at each other without moving.

Finally, *finally*, still making direct eye contact with me, he takes a sip of his tea and purses his lips. I ask him if he isn’t thirsty.

He says he isn’t, and leaves the room. I never did find out what happened to that tea.

tl;dr: I got my archival assistants to spit in my asshole bosses’ tea. It was glorious.

leavemealone 2k points · 2 weeks ago

holy *shit*, OP, did you ever get in trouble????

 **notjonnydville** 2.1k points · 2 weeks ago

he didn’t have any evidence, so no.

maya_herse331 782 points · 1 week

did he ever try to get revenge?

 **notjonnydville** 7.1k points · 2 weeks ago

he framed me for murder, but I’m still not sure if that was directly related.

[expand]


	2. Mommy Issues, Migraines and Skincare, Oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The [drawing of Michael](https://ironicmemeing-art.tumblr.com/post/612159687119486976/battle-against-a-weird-opponent-pls-click-for) isn't mine! That beautiful drawing was made by [Steve](https://ironicmemeing-art.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. Please check out her account!

r/insaneparents

Posted by u/gerrysghost 2 weeks ago

**My mother trained me in the occult after murdering my father.**

Putting a read more so it doesn’t trigger anyone. Mentions of murder, corpses, blood, gore-you know what, if you have a trigger, it’s probably here. Read with caution.

[expand]

shelly_seashore 382 points · 1 week

,,,,,,are you okay????

 **gerrysghost** 692 points · 1 week ago

no.

dankme 232 points · 1 week

when she was skinning herself, what did she say? “lend a helping hand, would ya?”

blinksjisoo 198 points · 5 days ago

you can’t just ask someone that holy shit!!

 **gerrysghost** 719 points · 5 days ago

she only asked for me to cut off my hand once lol,

but I said no don’t worry and no there was much more,

uh well, screaming.

blinksjisoo 201 points · 4 days ago

she asked you to cut off your hand??????

 **gerrysghost** 789 points · 3 days ago

yeah but only once

[expand]

aheinthesetryingtimes 319 points · 1 week ago

get therapy.

**gerrysghost** 456 points · 5 days ago

no u.

chajoan_merei 326 points · 1 week ago

this is fake lol.

stella_tkadi 298 points · 1 week ago

I’m going to sound insane if I say this but I was attacked by a book once so I believe him.

chajoan_merei 392 points · 1 week ago

I don’t believe you but tell me what happened.

stella_tkadi 538 points · 5 days ago

a book ate my toe.

chajoan_merei 361 points · 4 days ago

…CHOMP

[expand]

dom_swain 473 points · 6 days ago

holy shit,,,I think I met your mother. are you the dude that bought “ex altiora” from me for like, £5000 pounds???

**gerrysghost** 456 points · 5 days ago

…maybe

dom_swain 393 points · 4 days ago

no shit. hold on, a few years after the fact I did some digging. I thought you were dead????

**gerrysghost** 456 points · 4 days ago

hence the username.

dom_swain 387 points · 3 days ago

are you like her? your mum I mean? ghost-wise?

**gerrysghost** 626 points · 2 days ago

for a while, but she didn’t have a monster boyfriend

to help her escape being bound to a book.

Jlo_jello 687 points · 2 days ago

proof that childhood trauma really *does* turn

people into monsterfuckers.

[expand]

r/roastme

Posted by u/michaeldistortion 1 week ago

**I am an aspect of It is Not What It Is. Roast me!**

kathwren_ 598 points · 1 week ago

holy shit op this picture gave me a migraine

d379 490 points · 1 week ago

literally. how’d you even make this picture???

**michaeldistortion** 598 points · 1 week ago

my boyfriend took it!

kathwren_ 489 points · 1 week ago

yeah right. And what is It Is Not What It Is?

**michaeldistortion** 571 points · 1 week ago

correct!

[expand]

jojo_no_3 598 points · 5 days ago

you must give the girls a great time with those hands, huh buddy?

gerrysghost 598 points · 5 days ago

oh, he does

[expand]

kishaki214 598 points · 5 days ago

can you even see with all your hair in your face

amber_harlot63 671 points · 5 days ago

he has literal *monster* hands and that’s your concern??

sasi_soho 671 points · 5 days ago

she’s not wrong tho

[expand]

jay_nola89 572 points · 4 days ago

you look like what people find in the backrooms.

**michaeldistortion** 459 points · 4 days ago

:)

[expand]

mommy_blogging_tips 492 points · 3 days ago

You better take this down RIGHT NOW. You made my son CRY.

amber_harlot63 671 points · 3 days ago

well that’s a roast if I ever heard one. so ugly that you make people cry-

**michaeldistortion** 296 points · 2 days ago

:(

gerrysghost 293 points · 2 days ago

don’t listen to them michael. they’re just jealous.

[expand]

tired_yale_student 401 points · 3 days ago

YOU STOLE MY DOG. HOLY SHIT.

waytogojanice 339 points · 3 days ago

what happened lmao

tired_yale_student 437 points · 2 days ago

so I’m walking in the park, yeah? and then this yellow door pops out of fucking

nowhere and THIS PERSON is standing right next to it. my dog yanks me

towards him and his leash slips and then all of a sudden my dog is running

through the yellow fucking door. RIP Pluto.

[expand]

r/showerthoughts

Posted by u/oliver_robs_banks 1 week ago

**100% of people that read this are going to die**

what_the_georgie 304 points · 1 week ago

thanks I hate it.

**oliver_robs_banks** 233 points · 5 days ago

no problem! :)

stonks 294 points · 5 days ago

is this a threat?

skincare_circus 359 points · 4 days ago

only if you want it to be 😊

stonks 694 points · 4 days ago

fuck off nikola

[expand]

r/memes

Posted by u/memesource_today 1 week ago

marto_kart 293 points · 5 days ago

they're good cows!!!!

stonks 220 points · 5 days ago

that’s what they want you to think, martin.

marto_kart 249 points · 5 days ago

:(

r/me_irl

Posted by u/melanie_queen today 1 week ago

d_tonner 293 points · 5 days ago

lame.

melanie_queen 220 points · 5 days ago

???

d_tonner 749 points · 5 days ago

I never got caught.

[expand]

ebouchard 244 points · 5 days ago

Accurate.

melanie_queen 431 points · 5 days ago

fuck off bitchard.

r/creepypms

Posted by u/naomi_herne 1 week ago

adelola29 304 points · 5 days ago

that’s fucking creepy.

stella_tkadi 356 points · 5 days ago

and disturbing. did you report them op?

**naomi_herne** 442 points · 5 days ago

I didn’t. I just blocked and deleted the number from my contacts.

You’re right though, I definitely should’ve reported them as well.

[expand]

notjonnydville 483 points · 4 days ago

now why do I feel like I know exactly who this is?

stonks 394 points · 4 days ago

because even murderers have more subtlety than her. 

skincare_circus 572 points · 4 days ago

you wound me tim! can I call you tim? I’m going to call you tim.

after all, the stranger is very particular about subtlety, isn’t it?

[expand]

skincare_circus 523 points · 4 days ago

I still stand by what I said! you do have quite lovely skin! nothing like the archivists.

marto_kart 472 points · 3 days ago

hey! I think jon has great skin!

skincare_circus 361 points · 3 days ago

of course you do, dear.

[expand]


End file.
